


Help, I’m a pirate, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

by Kippysaurus



Series: Help, I’m a Pirate! (Well nah) [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Ace joins the whitebeards, Deuce swears a surprising amount it wasnt intentional, Gen, Prank Wars, This Is STUPID, Truth Serum, crackish, featuring bad ripoff bands, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21575656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kippysaurus/pseuds/Kippysaurus
Summary: In which Marco and Thatch are imprisoned, start a prank war, become walking tone dials, and drive the guy in the corner in the corner slightly mad. Not necessarily in that order.
Relationships: Fushichou Marco | Phoenix Marco & Portgas D. Ace & Thatch
Series: Help, I’m a Pirate! (Well nah) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1587883
Comments: 5
Kudos: 52





	1. Imprisonment

**Author's Note:**

> Or, Marco and Thatch get captured and Marco nearly goes insane, along with his cellmate. Not canon-compliant, but (hopefully) quite amusing. Based on the truth serum scene in Ant-Man and the Wasp, but with two people doing it.  
> A plot bunny I got off an author note somewhere.
> 
> Also on ff.net!
> 
> I’m posting this because I got my brace redone and it hurts like hell, so if I can’t have happiness then at least someone will!

Marco groaned. He was tied up in kairoseki chains, somewhere in the expanses of a massive prison. But that wasn’t the worst part of it. He had been thrown in a 3-person cell with none other than his brother, and 4th division commander, Thatch. And therein lied the problem. Thatch with the entirety of the Moby Dick to play with was one thing, but Thatch, tied up and with no way to vent his boredom was a whole other universe away from the original thing.

“Please can you just shut up -yoi!” He said exasperatedly, “The entire prison can probably hear your ‘heroic exploits’ by now!”

“Ooh, ooh, wouldn’t that be cool though, me broadcasting a radio show or something via den den mushis! I could call it... Thatch broadcasts! And I’d be famous, and there would be loads of lovely women, just queueing up to meet me! Little young me! Perhaps then I could open my own restaurant or something... but wait, that would be disrespectful to Pops... ah! I could name it after him! And still be fourth division commander! After all, my division is pretty much all chefs! It would be the best restaurant in the world!” And on and on and on. Thatch was like a walking tone dial!

“Oh, mi madre used to have a collection of tone dials in her restaurant, but they all played Morrisey. It was like a shrine or something. And whenever someone disagreed, she would be all like, ‘you no like Morrisey? Then get out of my restaurant!’ Strangely enough, no-one ever disagreed. Her cooking was too good to disagree with!” Oh damn, he hadn’t realised he’d said that out loud. How long had he been doing it for?

“Not too long, actually. I’d say about... 10 minutes or so. What’s a tone dial anyway?” Oh right, he’d forgotten there was someone else in here, he’d been too busy being driven insane by his brother. And of course the rookie didn’t know about tone dials, they weren’t commonly available this side of Skypiea. Or Jaya for that matter. The connecting islands were further on as well. He kinda wished he could go back to Skypiea, it had been 10 or more years since he’d been. 

Ah, how he missed the feeling of soft, island cloud on his feet. Plus, just bringing a sack of dirt could probably buy him most of the dials in the place. Where did the dials come from anyway. Oh damn, he was starting to sound like Thatch. Speaking of which, where did Thatch’s mum get those tone dials anyway? And why Morrisey? Everyone knew the Mushis were better!

“Wow, I never knew you had so many interesting thoughts, Marco! I must agree, the Mushis were better, but mi madre just loved Morrisey. All of his songs were there, even the later ones. I think her favourite was ‘war dog’. You know the one? ‘You ain’t nothing but a war dog, crying all the time, you ain’t nothing but a war dog—”

“Yes I know the one -yoi. I don’t see how anyone liked that one really. It was just the same lyrics, round and round and round. Too repetitive. How about modern music? I quite like Flyin’ Man’s The Phoenix, myself. Always have enjoyed a bit of heavy metal -yoi. Gets me through all of that damned paperwork!” Oh damn, he’d done it again. He hadn’t wanted anyone to find out about that one, least of all Thatch. He’d probably steal his baby den den now!

“Wasn’t going to, but thanks for the idea!” Oh shit. “And besides, that one is practically named after you! I like a bit of Ned Shepherd, especially his new one... what was it called? Perfect, I think. But then, I always have been a hopeless romantic for things like that. Hey, guy in the corner, how about you?” Ah, yes. The guy in the corner. Never did answer his earlier question. If he just thought it would the guy hear?

“Yes, I would. And the name is Ace, not ‘guy in the corner’. As for me, I quite like ASL’s ‘I’m not famous’. I find it rather ironic.”

“Ace? As in Portgas D. ‘Firefist’ Ace? Oh that’s so cool! Pops has wanted you to be a part of our family for ages! Ever since your dismissal of the World Government! I must say I agree. You seem like a cool guy. And I bet your crew could join too! Hey, if you want, I could tell you stuff about us, see if you want to join. Though, once Pops has set his eyes on you, try all you like but you’ll join eventually! So how about it?” Thatch asked. Marco didn’t get to hear the reply, as the piece of wall he was attached to disappeared, and he moved backwards through the wall. Well shit. What had he gotten himself into? Maybe he was being interrogated, or cut open! He didn’t want to be cut open! Not when he couldn’t heal!

“Well, look who we have here. Marco the Phoenix! Let’s get some information out of you. My mind serum should be active now. Let’s begin, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All songs and artists are based off of real ones, and quite a lot of rambling was in fact me writing down my thought process.
> 
> Sorry about the ending, I needed a way for Marco & co (punny) to learn about the serum!  
> I will try and update regularly... but try is the main word here.
> 
> Wish me luck!


	2. It’s not a truth serum!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some information is gathered, and Marco’s dignity destroyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the kudos and follows! Oh, and Luis. And basically all of Ant-Man and the Wasp. (I feel like I’ve just done an award speech *sweatdrop*)
> 
> _Previously on Help, I’m a Pirate, Get Me Out Of Here!_  
>  Marco didn’t get to hear the reply, as the piece of wall he was attached to disappeared, and he moved backwards through the wall. Well shit. What had he gotten himself into? Maybe he was being interrogated, or cut open! He didn’t want to be cut open! Not when he couldn’t heal!
> 
> _“Well, look who we have here. Marco the Phoenix! Let’s get some information out of you. My mind serum should be active now. Let’s begin, shall we?”_

“Dude. That’s a truth serum -yoi.”Marco said. Unless of course he didn’t, there was always a chance that that was in of his mind mutterings. But then again, he didn’t use the yoi in mind mutterings did he -yoi? Oh. Nope. He did. Well, at least that may have given him an advantage.   
  
“It is not a truth serum! It is a neurotoxin that makes the mind overly suggestive and prone to answering any questions given. Plus, we can all hear you. Maybe that’s a side effect on Zoans? We shall have to test further...”   
  
“You hear that, birdbrain? It’s a truth serum!” Thatch’s disembodied voice travelled into the room via the still open hatch he himself had come through. He was actually glad for the reassurance from Thatch’s voice, though he’d never admit it out loud... oh wait, he just did, didn’t he -yoi? Hmm... perhaps the -yoi was a bleed-through of his old accent due to the truth serum—   
“It’s not a truth serum!”—, boy did he hope his accent didn’t come back. He’d finally managed to lose almost all of it, and he’d be laughed at constantly if it came back in full swing.   
  
“You raise excellent thoughts, Phoenix. And yes, you did admit that out loud, rather unsubtly, I must say. Plus, I am now intrigued. Where did this infamous accent come from, and what does it sound like?”   
  
“I’ll tell you, but only if you close the hatch. I can’t have Thatch hearing it -yoi.” Huh. So he could still barter through the truth serum —   
“Still not a truth serum!”   
“Oh come on. You’ve seen one neurological toxin, you’ve seen ‘em all. And Maarco? Why can’t I listen? You trust me, right?”— and no, he didn’t trust Thatch with something as destructive as this. Food, yes. Pranks not directed at him, yes. His own secrets (bar the original Shanks incident), no. And yes, that was purposeful. What was the point in speaking everything on your mind if you don’t maim or seriously injure in the process?   
  
“Huh. Fair point, blue turkey,” he heard Thatch saying, and new guy laughing with him. That traitor. Sure, he hadn’t known the guy before now, but still. Traitor.   
  
“My name is Ace!” Not that he cared. The guy was a traitor. Around him, the assembled team gathered around gave bemused stares to him and the hatch. Now, if they could just close the damn thing so that both sets of people would get what they wanted. After all, that there had been about 4 minutes straight of him muttering to himself. He hoped it didn’t continue after the effects of the ‘neurological toxin’ after it had gone away.    
  
The hatch was closed, and the same guy went and asked him the same question. This time, instead of suppressing his answer and accent, the scientists got as a response.  **(SORRY IF I OFFEND ANYONE WITH THIS ACCENT! I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS! SORRY AGAIN FOR THIS BUTCHERING OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND MARCO’S DIGNITY!)**   
“Well, Iye weally hayte this acceynt, iyt maykes iyt weally hayd fow anywon to tayke mee seriyously -yoi. Iyt comes fwom an iyland in thee Noyth Blue, iyt’s called... Gimmey a minyut, thyis iys iymbawwasyn’, -yoi. What wouyd Sohfiya thynk? Daymn twuth sewum -yoi...”   
“It’s not a truth serum!”   
“Hey, he said it under the effects of the truth serum, therefore it must be a truth serum! If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... It’s truth serum” Thatch’s voice carried through the room. Marco immediately tensed up. Those bastards! They’d said couldn’t hear them! And what kind of a saying was that? Plus there was Ace to think about — “Thanks for remembering my name!”— what would he do with the information? If he was saying all of this out loud (again -yoi) then at least that damned accent was gone. Or was it? At least the stupid thing was only useful in one place, so he didn’t have to use it more than once a year, or less. Aaurgh. Thatch was never going to let him forget this. It could actually be worse than that one Easter...   
  
“As much as I’d love to find something, nothing can beat that Easter. Although I do hear Haruta is trying to find something. And yes, your accent is pretty much back to normal. Although, if you think about it, that was probably normal for you! Hahahaha! And no, you will never get away from this!” Marco then groaned as he heard Thatch recount that one Easter to Ace. If he were to be reborn at this moment, he would want to be a cicada. That way he could live his life in relative peace, before getting laid and dying feeling complete. Such a sad thought, he thought.    
  
“Well, that was... interesting? Anyway, next question. And a serious one this time. Where. Are. The. Whitebeard. Pirates?” Marco rolled his eyes, but could already feel the answer bubbling up in his stomach. Sorry Oyaji... and so the truth of the matter spilled from his mouth. **(Read this next bit double-speed)**   
  
“Well, it all started around... 15 years ago, now -yoi. I’d been thrown in jail for trying to steal some noble’s purse, he deserved it if you ask me, but anyway. I was put in with a guy, his name was Newgate, and he had it bad. Not just cell block D bad. He’d been abandoned by his crew, said he was too much of a ‘monster’ and he didn’t have a boat or anything.    
And I’m like, ‘damn, ossan, they left you while you were in lockup?’    
And he was like, ‘ yeah, I know. I thought i was gonna be with them forever, but now I’m all alone!’   
So I’m like, ‘damn, ossan. You gotta chin up, ‘cause you’ll find a new crew. But you know what? My name’s Marco -yoi’    
and he’s like, ‘You know what? I’m Whitebeard, but you can call me Oyaji, and you’re gonna be my son.’   
So about 3 months later we’re both out of jail, and we make a crew. Call it the Whitebeard Pirates, even though Oyaji has a moustache. I was there, and I still don’t get that. And then we meet Izo. And he’s all like, ‘I want nothing to do with you. Look at my hair, I’m all business.’   
And Oyaji’s like, ‘I’ve never seen such a good sniper or clothesmaker in my life, and I’ll probably never manage, but damn if I don’t want you on my crew!’ So fast forward to now and Izo’s here and we’ve got a crew of like 1000 people.    
And then Izo is like, ‘I probably shouldn’t have told you this, but my parents are nobles, and they’re gonna try and kill me if I step on this island, so bye!’   
And then Oyaji said, ‘why didn’t you tell me earlier? Tell me these things! Smell ya later, island!’ So fate brought them back together.    
So Izo is back, and he won’t admit it, but his heart’s all like, ‘Damn! I thought everything was fine, but my parents blew it!’   
And then Oyaji’s heart is like, ‘I’m worried those nobles will come after my son, and then they’ll screw up and ruin everything.’   
And then my heart is like, ‘this molten lava cake filling represents our funds, we need to get some soon, or we’ll be out in March’—”   
  
“Whoa, whoa whoa! Wait up a second! Out of funds? March? Marco!” Thatch yelled through the hatch.   
  
“I’m sorry -yoi! I was going to handle it at this island, but that didn’t happen, obviously!”   
  
“No, obviously not! And also damn, Marco, you sure have a mouth on you! Although... I should’ve known, you were flying through your thoughts. Hang on, was I injected as well?”   
  
“Yes you were, though not as much as Phoenix here. Now, do we get to the end of this tale?” The marine asked.   
  
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Oyaji’s in a bad place, emotionally speaking -yoi.”   
  
“And where is he, PHYSICALLY SPEAKING?” The marine bellowed. Marco recoiled (as far as he could, given he was still chained to a section of wall). His breath smelt of fish and rotten eggs. Maybe the scent had gone rotten from staying there for so long. That wasn’t healthy -yoi. But again, he spewed information out of his traitorous mouth.   
  
“Probably on his way here -yoi. He never leaves family behind, after all,” Marco smirked, rather cockily, considering circumstances, “If that was unhelpful, the ship was docked about 5 miles away, to the southeast. Can I go back now -yoi?” The marines monitoring him all had white faces from fear. About three had fainted. The guy in charge had begun to go green. It was all rather amusing.    
  
“Ha! Thanks for the mental image, Marco! We should bring some of this stuff with us!” Thatch laughed. He thought he heard chuckling from Ace as well. A ginormous crash resounded through the building. Marco had to fight the urge to bring out his bloodlust to terrify the marines more.    
  
“Look who’s arrived -yoi.”   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Yes, I know I am ripping off Ant Man and the Wasp, but that was gave me the idea in the first place, so I had to pay homage! Thank you again to the people I thanked earlier!
> 
> Izo headcanon in there which is blatantly obvious. I also have a headcanon that Marco is actually a surprisingly good thief!
> 
> For anyone who couldn’t translate the butchery, it reads:  
> Well, I really hate this accent, it makes it really hard for anyone to take me seriously -yoi. It comes from an island in the North Blue, it’s called... Gimme a minute, this is embarrassing -yoi. What would Sofia think? Damn truth serum -yoi...
> 
> Oh, and the original Shanks incident... yeah it’s Join My Crew.


	3. Freedom!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which freedom is achieved, and Marco is blackmailed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously...  
> “Ha! Thanks for the mental image, Marco! We should bring some of this stuff with us!” Thatch laughed. He thought he heard chuckling from Ace as well. A ginormous crash resounded through the building. Marco had to fight the urge to bring out his bloodlust to terrify the marines more. 
> 
> “Look who’s arrived -yoi.”  
> ———  
> Enjoy!

At the sight of the panicked marines, Marco had to suppress a laugh. Well, more like seventeen laughs, one for each of them. 

“Now, if you wouldn’t mind unchaining me, I would be incredibly grateful... plus I’d tell my brothers to tone it down -yoi.” Marco said. He was released almost immediately, and flew up the hatch with a guard who had keys. He then told (read: threatened) the guard to unlock Thatch’s and Ace’s handcuffs and chains. 

“Aah, so much better! Now, let’s go find Pops! You too, kiddo.” Thatch said, then ran off, Ace’s shout of ‘My name is Ace!’ Behind him. Marco laughed. Once an idiot, always an idiot, seemingly. Even under truth serum. Oh, and nobody had commented on that. Perhaps it was wearing off.

“Nope, it’s still in action. But less. Now it’s every other sentence. Good for you as well. If that first one was going the way I think it was, you’d be dead by now, but I could be misthinking... Oh, and Thatch was actually right. Nothing in the foreseeable future will be able to beat that one Easter!”  
Oh well. At least it was going down. Time to find Oyaji. He ran after Ace and, as he was now calling him, the idiot.

About 5 minutes later, they discovered that the idiot had led them round in a circle. Though, did that make them the idiots for following him? Hmm... 

A further 5 minutes later from before, they found the same door again. This time though, Ace was leading them. It was then that Marco remembered that he could use haki. Why hadn’t they been using it? Oh yeah, because he was drugged into oblivion.

“I am torn between wanting context for that piece of information and never bothering, for the sake of my sanity,” Thatch mumbled. Pssh. That was a lie. The idiot wanted context. Marco didn’t blame him, it did sound weird when said out loud. 

“That’s a lie -yoi. You want to know context, you always do. Hang on, this means you lied, so your truth serum has worn off. Only took yours... how long were we out, Ace -yoi?” Ace answered and Marco continued his analysis, fully aware he was doing it out loud, “Only a day and a half tops -yoi. Therefore, if I was injected with triple the amount, I should be back to not spilling everything in 3 days.” He finished, content with his mental analytics. If that was the case, he could always just hole himself up somewhere. There were plenty of hiding places on a ship as big as the Moby Dick.

“Guararara! Why are you talking to yourself, son?” Whitebeard appeared from around a corner. Seriously, how could someone so loud be so quiet? 

“I got injected with a truth serum, as did the idiot -yoi,” he pointed at Thatch, “his has worn off. I was injected with triple the amount, so it’s still wearing off.”

“And we have found out many interesting things during the time, as birdy can’t keep his thoughts to himself! Hey, Oyaji, you know of a Sophia?” Thatch asked.

“I do, but ask Marco about her when he’s not drugged up. Right now, try and avoid asking him things, as he will be forced to give you an answer.” Marco nodded at Oyaji in appreciation. Thatch looked put out. Serves him right.

“Oi! Marco!” Oyaji had the decency to laugh at his son.  
———

Ace was dragged with them, out into the cool spring of the summer island they were at. He put up an obligatory grumble, but Marco suspected that was because he wanted to stay but was being stubborn. He didn’t mind. After all, he had his own plans for the next 3 or so days...

“Oh no you don’t! You are not flying off to who knows where for the next week without permission from Oyaji! Just be grateful we actually raided that place, or regeneration be damned, I’d kick your flaming blue ass!” Thatch ranted. Marco rolled his eyes at his younger brother’s antics. Oyaji laughed, and even Ace let out a chuckle. That was good. Nobody that young should be so serious. 

“Oi!” Everyone laughed again, at both fire-users’ expenses.  
———

When they caught sight of the Moby, Marco took off for the crow’s nest, but was stopped by a flaming hand grabbing his leg.

“Ace -yoi!” He yelled, feeling betrayed. Sure, he hadn’t done anything to warrant the feeling of trust, and as such betrayal, but who cared? He was pulled back to the ground, to find an amused Thatch. He really hoped that hadn’t just happened, as Izo would be on his tail if it did. He probably already had photos. Uurgh. Damn Izo and his photo taking. Damn Thatch and Ace and their betrayal. Damn Haruta for... being Haruta!

Thatch laughed. At what, he didn’t know. It could’ve been anything.

He boarded the Moby Dick along with his brother, Ace and Oyaji. Although, did he... nope. Think about that out of earshot of everyone else. When he got to the top, he was bombarded with a face full of kimono. Izo was here, probably to flaunt the picture he had most likely taken.

“Hey, my favourite brother is back! Guess what, Marco?” Izo ignored Thatch’s cry of, “I thought _I_ was your favourite brother!” and shot Marco the most ‘evil’ grin ever seen this side of the New World. Marco gulped, albeit subtly.

“What -yoi?” Save mind comments for later.

“Well, it’s more like two things, really. One, I have photos.” Another gulp, and Izo coming closer to his left ear, “and I am willing to destroy all -yes all, don’t act so surprised- of them for one simple thing.”

“Which is -yoi?”

“You do all of my paperwork for the next month. I will keep the photos around until then, so don’t you dare think about skiving!” Izo said in a sing-song voice. He repeated his earlier statement.

“I’ll do it -yoi. Shake?” They shook hands, in an all-too-business-like manner. Izo then walked off to see ‘his favourite brother’. Everyone knew it was Thatch, really. Izo just said it to others to rile the chef up.

Marco flew up to the highest crow’s nest. He was not coming down until forced. Or for food. But that was forcing as well, wasn’t it? He then proceeded to go over the last 5 minutes, adding in his head comments, to make them seem more normal. This was going to be a long 3 days...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Posting to get myself out of a slightly depressing train of thought!
> 
> Tell me what you think! Reviews will help me get the next one out sooner! (Mainly because I forget about its existence)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dont actually remember what happens in this one...  
> Marco goes to birdy heaven and ace is guest of honour.

_Previously...  
Marco flew up to the highest crow’s nest. He was not coming down until forced. Or for food. But that was forcing as well, wasn’t it? He then proceeded to go over the last 5 minutes, adding in his head comments, to make them seem more normal. This was going to be a long 3 days... _  
—x—

Day 1

After the (horrendous) events of yesterday, Marco got back to doing his paperwork. No matter what Thatch said, he couldn’t use this against him, as the paperwork did actually need to be done. Plus, on top of his already hefty load, he had to do Izo’s lot as well. He groaned. It didn’t matter whether there were upsides this time round, paperwork was never fun.

About 2 hours in, a knock at his door kicked Marco out of his stupor.  
“Come in -yoi.” He said, his voice sounding heavier than usual due to his lack of sleep. Thatch walked through the door.

“So, I know you don’t want to come out, but at least have food with us? Pleease?” He whined. It really was hard to say no to Thatch’s whining. Even if it was because the kicked puppy face afterwards was so very sad.

Thatch continued like he hadn’t heard Marco’s inner ramblings. “Pretty pleease? With no bird jokes on top?”

“Fine -yoi. But no questions. That part is still in full, or at least, about three-quarter capacity -yoi.”

“Done!”  
—x—

Marco strolled into the galley, Thatch at his heels (making sure he didn’t run off, but why would he? He was hungry). When Izo and the others saw him, they let out a massive cheer. Marco facepalmed. Talk about overkill!

“I know, right? But seeing as most didn’t see you yesterday, they made up for it now!” Thatch said cheerfully, before running back to continue with the food. What little trust he had in his chefs. 

Ace was sitting at the Commander’s table, seeing as he was a guest of honour (or really, just a guest, but was there any difference here?). “Marco! You’re back!”

“You make it sound like I was gone for weeks -yoi,” he replied, making Ace pout. It was... rather cute on that freckled face. He then served himself (a bit of everything), sat down at his own place, and waited for Thatch to come back in to start eating. When he had, Oyaji stood up to make an announcement.

“My sons and daughters, before you start eating, I have an announcement to make. As you know, Marco, Thatch and my new son Ace were captured last island. Marco was injected with a truth serum, and it is still in effect. For his sake -and possibly yours after it has worn off- don’t ask him questions unless completely necessary. Also, if he starts muttering disjointed sentences, pass them off as normal for now. That is all. Eat!” 

And so they ate. Ace surprised everyone with the amount of food he could shovel into his mouth, and how fast he was finished. Then again, he was a D, so nothing out of the ordinary there. He looked almost familiar... ah well. He could dwell on that later. He then left the room, too caught up in his thoughts to see Ace tense himself up while still shovelling.  
—x—

Back in his room, Marco continued with the paperwork. How could so much of it build up over four days? There was barely enough space for him in his own room! And Izo’s was still in the commander’s room! He needed an office. 

“Well, today is your lucky day! Come on, Marco!” Fossa yelled through the door. Marco nearly jumped out of his skin. They could at least knock! Fossa then walked through the door (without opening it) and frogmarched him through the empty door space. He then hung the door back onto its hinges like nothing had happened. Perks of being a carpenter, he guessed.

“Completely right! Now, onwards!”  
—x—

After being frogmarched through the Moby for all of two corridors, Fossa stopped Marco in front of a seemingly conspicuous door. “I’m still your prisoner -yoi. Open the door.”

“How ungrateful of my prisoner, forcing me to do such things!” Fossa said dramatically, but opened the door anyway. Marco was shocked at what he saw. An entire study, for him! He nearly laughed in glee. He then turned a corner and saw A3 sized holes in the wall, which were numbered with each division on them. Plus, inside there was a small nest, for when all-nighters weren’t quite needed!

“Looks like Marco’s in birdy heaven!” Fossa remarked with a chuckle. Marco thought about growling at him, but decided against it. He was too happy right now. “Well, I’ll leave you to it! Make sure you transfer the paperwork that’s in your room!” And Fossa walked off, a smile on his face for making their unflappable (pun) first commander turn into a child. 

Marco then spent around half an hour moving his papers into his new office, still stuck in euphoria. After that had settled down some, he continued with his work. This was brilliant! His own office! He didn’t need to worry about tripping over stacks of paper when he got up ever again! He let out a slightly deranged chuckle. Yess... this room was his preciouss... He stopped himself there. That was too weird.  
—x—

After his... episode, a few hours passed, and soon he was back in the dining room, Thatch smiling all-too-knowingly at him. He resisted the urge to shift in his chair, even though he was innocent! ..probably. Oddly enough, Ace was giving him the same look! Why? He’d done nothing wrong! ..again, probably.

“Ah! Marco! Listen, I have something I need to talk to you about!” Thatch said, forcibly dragging him out of the room.

“What -yoi?” He said irritably. He was still innocent, why was Thatch alternating between a worried expression and a shit-eating grin?

“Well, first,” (shit-eating grin, oh god) “I heard everything from your little ‘talk’ with yourself earlier. So did Ace, actually.” Well. He should stay indoors and out of earshot more then, shouldn’t he? “No! You shouldn’t! How would I get info then? And two. We need to get Ace to join! Like, neeeed to! So how should we convince him?” Ah, yes, Thatch would be worried about something like that.

“Well, we either wait for him to ask Oyaji to join, ask Oyaji to ask him to join, or make you beg on your knees to get him to join -yoi. Personally, I don’t think the first and last will be very effective, though the last would be funny—“

“Oi! Marco!”

“—so it’s probably a good idea to ask Oyaji. He already has the ‘you’re gonna be my son’ glint in his eye -yoi. However, Ace is hiding something, so that may have a part in whether or not he joins. Whatever you do though, don’t give special treatment -yoi. That way, when he does join, he’ll have raised expectations of our crew, which will be shattered immediately.”

“Wow Marco, that was... surprisingly informative. Thanks! I’ll go ask Oyaji right away!” And Thatch sprinted off down the corridor.

“Well, I am First Division Commander for a reason -yoi...” Marco muttered as he walked back to his office. He was going to sleep the night in there, to test the bed. Hopefully it was nice. If not... he pitied the lower downs. Their pillows may have been stolen by the end of tomorrow. He finished this line of thought with an evil chuckle.  
—x—

“Elsewhere, multiple pirates sneezed, and Blamenco found himself wondering whether the blankets and pillows he used were fluffy enough, or too fluffy. He didn’t know the sleeping habits of the pineapple, goddammit!  
—x—

Back in his room, Marco had the overwhelming urge to hit someone for calling him a pineapple, then decided against it and went back to testing the bed...nest...thing. Today hadn’t been so bad.

That was about as close of a challenge to fate as he would get, but seemingly it was enough, and fate accepted the mistakenly thrown gauntlet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think?
> 
> I know, I broke my new year’s resolution, but if it hadn’t been February it would’ve been fine, so I’m still counting it!
> 
> Reviews, kudos etc always appreciated! It’ll remind me i do have people who want to read my stuff!


	5. The prank war cometh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a Marco gets rice puddinged, a prank war is accidentally started (or is it?), and Ace mourns his sanity.

Hey folks! I’m back!   
(And this fic now has a mind of its own! It was supposed to finish 2 chapters ago! I have been kidnapped by the alien known as this fic and forced to write!)

Thanks to VisitorNo.18 for the help they gave me on this! 

_Previously...  
Back in his room, Marco had the overwhelming urge to hit someone for calling him a pineapple, then decided against it and went back to testing the bed...nest...thing. Today hadn’t been so bad._

_That was about as close of a challenge to fate as he would get, but seemingly it was enough, and fate accepted the mistakenly thrown gauntlet._  
—x—

Waking up early, Marco (again) decided to get a head-start on paperwork. The bed wasn’t half bad, actually. A few more pillows would probably make it perfect. But first, a shower. After the amount of time stuck in that place, and the fact he forgot to wash yesterday, he most likely stank. He walked into one of the many (many, many) shower rooms on the Moby, stripped, and went into a cubicle. He was expecting nice warm water to come from the showerhead. Instead he got... was that rice pudding? He now contemplated yelling at Thatch as opposed to getting another shower. Now, next question: how far away was Thatch and how easy would it be to find and capture him. His observation haki showed the chef in question was in fact on the other side of the wall. Marco grinned sliightly sadistically. After all, he could mask his haki presence. This would make for some interesting pranks...

On the other side of the wall, Thatch gulped. He was so very glad Marco still hadn’t got rid of the truth serum effects. Now to find a safe hiding place, crawl in it, and plot ways to get Ace to join them. 

“Thatch, you’re muttering to yourself -yoi. Now, beware~ I’m coming for you~” Marco whispered from next to him. Thatch jumped, and scrambled down the hallway, not looking back. How had Marco even got there? He shouldn’t have been able to get past his observation haki!

Marco started laughing from inside his shower cubicle. Never had he been so pleased that he could throw his voice. He turned the tap on again. Ah, tap water! Now to find Ace, and convince him into the little prank war he was going to start...  
—x—

At breakfast, Marco decided it was the perfect time to approach Ace. “Ace -yoi?”

“Yes?”

“Would you be interested in pranking the hell out of Thatch? He pissed me off earlier, so I count a prank war as punishment -yoi.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I’m afraid I already joined team pompadour and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Ah well. Such a shame -yoi. I was planning on saving you from this war, but it seems I must fight against you. See you on the other side -yoi!” He murmured to himself whilst turning away, “hopefully...”  
—x—  
(Ace’s PoV) 

Ace was... bemused, to say the least. He became a pirate to learn more about his mother, Rouge, and about his father. He’d then been sent to prison because he was caught by a stray kairoseki jutte (fuck you, Smoker) and about 2 days later, some drugged up nutjobs are thrown in his cell. He was currently on said nutjobs’ ship, and it just so happened that the aforementioned nutjobs are the First and Fourth Division Commanders. And the Whitebeard Commanders now want him to join them in a prank war.

Okay. 

He honestly thought they’d be a bit more serious than that, being on the World’s Strongest Man’s ship, but no. Well, he guessed Marco could be serious, but then again, prank war. And to make matters worse, the man had basically proclaimed that he (Ace) had a death wish by siding with Thatch in this war. 

What had his life come to?  
—x—  
(Back to Marco)

First on his list of pranks: itching powder. But of course, be subtle about it. Subtlety was the key, after all. Marco hid his presence and walked over to Thatch’s room. After checking no-one was inside, he went in and put trace amounts of itching powder on the seams of all of Thatch’s clothes. And by trace amounts, he meant enough to cause serious irritation without his other keen-eyed brothers knowing something was up. He smirked again. Torturing Thatch was so much fun!

Next: fiddling with his food. Mwahahahaha!

“Uh... Commander... are you okay? It’s not like you to suddenly burst into evil laughter like that!” One distressed crewmate asked. They were ignored, in favour of plotting the next prank on Thatch.

Thatch, of course, had plans. He also had Ace on his side. The war was on!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This... didn’t turn out the way I expected. I was planning on torturing Marco with bad luck, not starting a full-blown prank war! 
> 
> I keep feeling as though these chapters are too short... are they really? Or is it just me and the fact I read fics with really long chapters?
> 
> Thank you to reviewers! You have all made whichever day you reviewed on! (Especially otaku_girl2176, here is the chapter I promised!)
> 
> Reviews, kudos and follows always appreciated!


	6. The prank war commences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the first pranks are commenced, and Marco gets pizza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously...  
> “Uh... Commander... are you okay? It’s not like you to suddenly burst into evil laughter like that!” One distressed crewmate asked. They were ignored, in favour of plotting the next prank on Thatch.
> 
> Thatch, of course, had plans. He also had Ace on his side. The war was on!

Day 2 part 2

Marco hummed to himself as he planned. How to prank Thatch (and Ace, as a warning strike) with food without getting anyone else? Aha! Tabasco sauce! Just a few drops when Thatch and Ace aren’t looking- instant amusement! Weeell.. maybe not with Ace. He was a user after all. The mera mera no mi could very easily screw up his plan. But hey, at least Thatch would be amusing!  
—x—

Thatch and Ace (well, mainly Thatch), on the other hand, were currently in a heated discussion with Haruta on how best to prank the pineapple.  
“When pranking a pineapple, use pineapples!” Thatch argued.

“When pranking a bird, use a foot trap!” Haruta countered.

“Guys, guys, guys. While I agree with Haruta, perhaps we should do that in closer proximity to an island, that gives us a better chance of escape. I say pineapples as a first course, bird traps later. All in agreement?” Ace asked. Thatch and Haruta gave each other a look, then agreed.  
And so the first pranks of each side had been decided. It was on...  
—x—  
Later that day...

Marco could honestly say he had no idea where all the pineapples were coming from, and he was being slowly annoyed with them. No matter where you turned, BAM! IT’S A PINEAPPLE! Even looking up, pineapples had been duck-taped to the ceiling. He turned the corner to find Haruta, ‘fending off’ a moving horde of the fruit.

Huh? How did that happen? Pineapples didn’t move... or did they? Marco was left questioning his entire worldview for a second.  
Meanwhile, Haruta was being pushed back towards the edge of the ship by the moving pineapples.

“Marco! Save me! Your relatives are too strong! Avenge meeee!” And with that, Haruta fell backwards over the rail.  
At the name Marco, all the moving pineapples on deck stopped and looked towards him. Except they didn’t have eyes. It was rather creepy. Marco restrained the urge to gulp. Instead, he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. It hadn’t quite sparked in his mind that he could fly, so he instead ran to the easiest high place he could reach: Oyaji.

Whitebeard was woken with a sensation he hadn’t experienced for a long while. Which of his sons was climbing him? He turned his head to find... Marco? That hadn’t happened in even longer!

“Son? Are you alright?” He asked.

“So many pineapples... and they move! Pineapples aren’t supposed to move... are they -yoi?” Marco appeared truly shaken by this, so instead of replying that there were exceptions to every rule, he asked, “Have you seen Thatch or Ace around?”

“No. Should I have -yoi?”

“Have you considered that this is a pr—” he was cut off mid-word by a small squeal and thud. It seemed the pineapples had caught up to him. Whitebeard laughed as his son scrambled away from the hordes, cursing the entire way.

Somewhere in the distance, Ace and Thatch did the same. Now they just needed to get out of the way of Marco’s revenge... when he finally calmed down enough to realise.  
—x—

It was revenge time. Marco waited until lunch to exact his vengeance on the fourth division commander, and, of course, Ace. This was no longer a warning strike. Maybe Haruta as well. He had to have been in on the prank. Actually, no. Not Haruta. That way he could work as a spy. Actually, scratch that, it was doomed to fail. But still no pranking Haruta.

When Thatch had left his plate to serve some of the more rushed members and Ace had gone up to get more food (his arms could only hold so many plates), Marco walked past both dishes with his bottle of tabasco sauce and poured a few drops on each. He then waited for the two to come back. This would be funny, plus it would hopefully shed some light on Ace’s devil fruit abilities. Did the mera mera no mi stop the effects of hot food? Time to find out!

Ace and Thatch returned, and sat down to eat. Ace devoured everything, even the bones. Marco hadn’t been paying attention before, but now he did, he wondered whether Ace was a human furnace. He reached the plate with the tabasco, devoured it, and then commented that the spice used was much better on that dish. Well, Marco guessed he knew the answer now.

Thatch’s reaction was much better. As soon as the sauce touched his tongue he yelped and started drinking anything within range, all whilst tears were coming out of his eyes. When all the drinks in the immediate area had been finished and his tongue still hadn’t recovered, he resorted to running around the entire galley and drinking any drink he came into contact with. After about 5 minutes (and who knows how many drinks later) Thatch’s tongue was saved. Unfortunately, he had just stolen the drinks of almost all of his crew, most of which were alcoholic. Thatch was now pretty much shit-faced drunk, plus he had the majority of the Whitebeard Pirates chasing him for vengeance for their drinks.

These were the people that comprised the world’s strongest man’s crew, Marco thought somberly. Though, if he was second in command of them, what did that say about him -yoi? Oh great, the yoi was back. Hopefully it was gone again soon -yoi. Uurgh.  
—x—

_Much later, in Thatch’s room/secret hideout_

“Did you see Marco’s face! Flipping brilliant!” Thatch was recounting his earlier escapades, completely ignoring the revenge prank. “Ace, you need to join the crew!” he waved his hand in an ‘imagine this’ action, grabbing Ace’s shoulder, “Just think of the pranks we could pull on Marco! With my brains and your devil fruit, we’ll be invincible! Forget today’s, bigger, better pranks! Plus, there’s the food! C’mon! Join me and form an alliance!”

“I thought you wanted him to join the crew, not you explicitly,” Haruta murmured next to him, and was ignored.

“I’ll stay until we find my crew at the least. After that... well we’ll just have to see, won’t we?” Ace chuckled. Really, this crew was great. Laid back, knew how to work a ship, funny... and a complete bunch of idiots at times. But out on the sea, who wasn’t? When he did find his crew, he had decided he would join them if the crew were fine with it. But until then...

“So, what’s our next prank on Marco going to be?” Thatch popped the question.

“Does it have to be Marco? Seems a bit mean to me,” Ace said, already expecting the answer.

“YES!” yelled Thatch and Haruta, “Marco’s our opponent in this war, we can’t attack anyone else, that would be forfeiture! Plus, he’s the most fun to prank!” Haruta listed. Ace sighed in mock defeat.

“Ok, we’ve established we are pranking Marco. What do we prank him with?”

“Fake calls!” Haruta yelled, “we redirect his unnecessary den den mushi calls to our own, and prank him!”

“Brilliance! Haruta! Join the rebel alliance!” Thatch yelled.

“Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather stay out of range. I’m sure you guys have an impressive bunch of accents under your belt anyways. Just don’t use Marco’s own. He’ll kill you. Literally.” And Haruta walked out of the room. As he did, Ace let out a malicious chuckle at what was soon to be Marco’s demise.  
—x—

If Marco never heard another broken North Blue accent, it would be too soon. Every time he tried to use his den den mushi to call anyone, even Thatch, all he got was ‘Hello, welcome to-a John’s-a Pizza, how can-a we help you-a?’. This had been going on for hours. He was now wondering if his den den mushi was broken. Or if this was all just an extravagant prank.

The latest time, he just decided to play along.

“Hello, this is-a John’s Pizza, how-a can we-a help you-a?” This was a different guy from the last times. Either there was a new shift, or the pranksters (Thatch and Ace, most likely) had switched round.

“Hello, I’d like a meat feast pizza please -yoi.”

“Sure-a! You want some-a fries with that-a?”

“No thanks -yoi.”

“Okay-a. We-a will get it-a to you as-a soon as we-a can. You-a may need to-a reheat it later-a though. What-a are your coordinates-a?” Marco listed off the coordinates as accurately as he could (6 figure).

“The-a pizza should take-a around half an-a hour to arrive-a. Hang-a tight until then-a!” And the call ended.

Well... that was weird. But hey, maybe he would get free pizza! Or paid-for pizza. But pizza nonetheless!  
—x—

Around half an hour later, Marco was delivered a piping hot meat feast pizza by... what should he call it? It was a news coo, but delivering pizza. A pizza coo? Either John’s pizza was really nearby or it was Thatch making pizza. He suspected the latter. After eating the delectable specimen, he walked into the kitchen just to be certain. Thatch was there, washing up a pizza cutter.

“Because that pizza was delicious, I will let you and Ace off this time. Just beware -yoi~ Next time you won’t be so lucky~” he walked off, leaving Thatch in a state of panicked relief. He didn’t need to know about the itching powder. All was relatively sane in the world.

Well, for now.  
—x—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Sorry I’ve been gone so long! Making up pranks is exhausting— and it doesn’t help when all your creative friends have no clue what you’re going on about...
> 
> John’s pizza was based off a very confusing conversation I had over the phone. If you want the original john’s pizza, ask about it!  
> Reviews, favourites and follows always appreciated! They will probably help my update speed!
> 
> (27/8/20: i am so sorry for the delay, but you can probably guess why it happened. I hope you’re all safe and as happy as you can be given circumstances...
> 
> I’m going to post these all now so it’s finally finished..)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which more pranks occur, Ace reunites with his crew, and i realise i don’t actually remember the plot of my own fic any more..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~ Is it me you’re looking for~?  
> I doubt it.
> 
> Randomly exploding pigeons belong to BlueAutumn12 on ff.net. If you read this and don’t like it, I can replace it!  
> Also, rereading BlueAutumn12’s ‘home’ has made me realise that quite a lot of my headcanons were developed from their ideas. So... some credit going there!
> 
> Previously...  
> “Because that pizza was delicious, I will let you and Ace off this time. Just beware -yoi~ Next time you won’t be so lucky~” he walked off, leaving Thatch in a state of panicked relief. He didn’t need to know about the itching powder. All was relatively sane in the world.
> 
> Well, for now.

Personally Thatch was glad Marco was in a forgiving mood. He was tired, and not particularly amused at the moment. Plus, damn right was that pizza delicious! He’d made it! But still, onto more important things, like randomly exploring pigeons. Hehehe...

He should probably notify Ace on this one as it could spark something much worse, but meh. He had dinner to prepare, so he’d do the whole thing tomorrow. Besides, no-one really believed him about the randomly exploding pigeons anyway. Well, tomorrow would change that...  
—x—

The rest of the afternoon and evening passed without issue, which led to a widespread atmosphere of impending doom across the Moby Dick.  
—x—

That night found Ace, instead of plotting pranks, half-heartedly pondering stuff while stargazing on the main deck. Namely, where his crew was and things he hadn’t had the time to think about earlier, like Marco’s unnoticed slip (possibly) from yesterday. He’d said about the fact Ace had looked familiar. Did that mean Marco knew his parents? And if that was the case, then surely Whitebeard knew them as well? He needed to find out more. 

Plus, where was his crew, dammit? He needed someone he knew to talk at! Where was Deuce when he needed him? 

Right, that’s it. He was going to find a ship (or Marco, Marco could fly) and scout for his ship. Thatch and the rest were great and all, but damn if he wasn’t crew-sick.

Plus, Thatch could set up his latest prank. He’d heard him cackling through the kitchen door earlier. Marco it was then. Now where could he be? He sent out a burst of observation haki. It was rather weak, though, so he couldn’t get the whole ship and had to stroll to the other end of the deck to get the stern in his range. Marco was, rather predictably, in his office. If that was the case, then Marco’s office was where he was heading.  
—x—

Marco was pulled from his work by a knock at his door. “Come in -yoi!”

Ace opened the door, and instead of stating why he was there, marvelled at the room for half a minute, before stating, “You know, I didn’t believe Thatch when he said you slept in a nest. But anyway. Would it be possible to... aargh, how do I put this? Fly around on you and search for my crew?” 

Marco blinked owlishly. Ace wanted to what? He didn’t normally allow people to fly around on him, but this time he could make an exception. Ace was most likely crew-sick, after all. Many people were when they first joined. Or homesick but still, there wasn’t much difference was there?

Ace shuffled slightly. “Yes, I am crew-sick, no you didn’t say that particular thought out loud, and thankyouthankyouthankyou!” Ace threw himself at Marco, who stiffened up, only to melt into the hug a few seconds later. 

“Right, so should we get going -yoi? It has been nearly 2 days, they could be anywhere,” Marco pointed out. 

Ace sprung from his seat and ran up to the deck, shouting, “Yeah! Let’s go!” with Marco following behind (not before writing a short note explaining where they were going and roughly for how long they would be gone).

“If you are going to ride me, a loose hold around my neck and body works well. Essentially a piggyback hold -yoi,” he said. He didn’t want Ace falling off mid-flight after all. It was only after he said it that he realised just how dirty it sounded. Oops.

Ace thankfully didn’t realise the dirty undertones, and Marco transformed, Ace climbing on his back using the hold he’d just described. “Right, Marco! Onward!” Marco sighed exasperatedly, but flew off anyway.  
—x—

Ace held on to Marco for dear life as the two sped over the ocean in the dead of night, searching for his ship, the Card Deck. Flying on Marco was exhilarating, the wind whipping his hair and his hat barely staying there. He let the fire out on his arms, the thrill overtaking him. Marco trilled underneath him, obviously enjoying himself as well. They flew over islands, with sprawling cities and mountain ranges. Marco had the look on his face that said he had experience with those islands. Ace laughed at him.

After about an hour of scouring the ocean, Ace spotted a familiar figure on the horizon. “Hey! Marco! Look! It’s them! My crew is here! OI! DEUCE! DID YA MISS ME?”

“FUCK OFF ACE! COME DOWN HERE, MY VOICE IS HOARSE NOW!” Deuce yelled back, and the ride became more turbulent as Marco chuckled underneath him. “WHOA, WHAT IS THAT? THEY’RE NOT JOINING THE CREW ACE! DON’T THINK I DON’T REMEMBER YOUR OTHER ANIMAL COMPANIONS!” Marco nearly stopped flying in laughter. 

“DON’T WORRY, DEUCE BOX! HE’S ALREADY GOT HIS OWN!”

“HOLY SHIT, IS THAT MARCO THE PHOENIX? HOW THE FUCK DID YOU RUN INTO HIM?”

“TELL YOU LATER!”

“FUCK YOU!” This time, Marco did crash. Thankfully he landed on the deck of... well, the Card Deck. Once he straightened up, he extended a hand in greeting to the bemused and angry first mate. 

“As you said, Marco the Phoenix. Pleasure to meet you, Masked Deuce -yoi,” Deuce stood still for a minute, before returning the gesture.

He then turned to Ace. “So, wanna tell me how you ran into this guy? You were only on a supply run. Where’s the ship and why the dramatic entrance?”

“Well... I was doing the supply run, when some dumbass marine recognised me and gave chase. Of course my narcolepsy acted up and I face-planted on the floor. When I came to, I was in a cell with kairoseki hand- and leg-cuffs. Few hours later, this guy and his friend were shoved in as well. They’d been drugged with a truth serum. When they came around there was annoyance on his-“ he pointed to Marco “-part. And that was before they both realised the truth serum was in effect. This guy got dragged through a wall and interrogated. About what, I don’t know. I was too busy listening to his friend Thatch’s amusing tale about that one easter. You don’t want to know. We were then busted out by Whitebeard, and I’ve been with them. I got fed up with waiting for them to find you, so I came myself. With Marco, of course. So yeah.” Ace finished.

Deuce simply stood on the spot, then said, “Catch me, will you?” and fainted. Ace laughed, and he thought he heard Marco mutter something about at least he didn’t have to answer questions any more. That was probably accidental. Ah well. He was home. Now for sleep.  
—x—

Marco adjusted the helm once more. They were about... 5 miles or so away from the Moby Dick, after sailing all night. He was very glad for his phoenix’s sense of direction, otherwise he would’ve been completely lost. A creak came from behind him, and he saw Ace come on deck.

“Are you okay?” You’ve been up all night sailing. You need a rest, dammit!”

“Ace, I’ll be fine for at least a month without sleep. This is a walk in the park compared to some things I’ve had to do -yoi.” Marco rationalised. Seriously, he was fine! He could take care of himself! Ace was acting like such a mum! And people called him a mother hen! 

“I don’t care if I have to act like a mum! You. Need. Sleep. And sleep you will. Just because you don’t need it doesn’t mean you can go without it!” It was really sweet how Ace cared for him like that. Plus the moonlight on his face made him look slightly ethereal. He may or may not be blushing now because of that thought. Thank gods it was still darkish outside.

“Well, I’m going to fly over to the Moby now. See you in about an hour -yoi?” He said, to break the tension.

“Yeah, sure. See you later, Marco!” Marco left with a smile on his face.  
—x—

Back on the ship, Thatch chuckled. He had seen Marco’s note, and as such had put the first stage of his ‘REP’ plan into action. Marco would be walking right into a trap...

“ahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!”  
—x—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo! Finished! Sorry it took so long!
> 
> Went to the Big Bang Fair today! The MarcoAce hints are courtesy of my friend Connor, who has being whispering ideas in my ear all day. I couldn’t resist! Trust me, what’s written there is much better than what originally was...
> 
> The story as a whole will not feature it, just hints from your author!
> 
> As always, reviews, favourites and follows always appreciated
> 
> (27/8/20: thanks to this helpful note i realise this chapter was written around a year ago...)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Thatch gets stuck to the ceiling, and Ace does some ancestry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Enjoy!
> 
> Deuce swears a lot. I don’t know where that came from.
> 
> Previously...  
> Back on the ship, Thatch chuckled. He had seen Marco’s note, and as such had put the first stage of his ‘REP’ plan into action. Marco would be walking right into a trap...
> 
> “ahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!”

When Marco landed back on the Moby half an hour later, he was surprised to see no-one on deck except the guys in the crow’s nests, who had blatantly ignored his arrival. This was not a good sign. Thatch was planning again. Marco expanded his observation haki, but Thatch’s aura was nowhere to be sensed. Maybe he was hiding in someone else’s aura. Or being smothered by Stefan, either worked. He knew Thatch couldn’t mask his presence so it was one of those options. 

He stepped forward, only to hear a bang. He looked down to see he was covered in green glitter glue. Seriously? Green? Actually, better question, where did it come from? He hadn’t seen anything around him or stepped on anything that went bang. The only thing he had seen was a pigeon on the handrail. Which was now curiously missing. Hmm, he would have to investigate. The game was afoot!  
—x—

Thatch (and also Izo and Haruta, who were covering him in their haki) couldn’t help chuckling at Marco. The speech had gone down to once every four thoughts, but the ones they heard were enough to place the rest of his thoughts. Haruta in particular was laughing at Marco’s final comment, ‘the game is afoot -yoi’. Who’d have thought it? Marco was a secret Sherlock fan. Blackmail material~!  
—x—

The next hour passed without incident. Marco went to sleep, and Thatch was banned from pranking him while he was. Interesting fact about Marco’s devil fruit: he could go without sleep for up to a month, but as soon as he did sit down to rest, his body insisted he catch up with lost sleep as soon as possible. Usually Marco only did two days at a time, but he’d been awake for around 5 days now, so it was likely he was going to be napping for hours at a time, plus the normal amount of sleep he got a day. So he rigged some more pigeons to see how many times they needed to blow one up before Marco noticed (and threw him over the rail). He’d probably do some at random times, so Marco didn’t get on his tail immediately. He could blow some up near Ace and the other commanders (harmless ones, no glitter needed) as well! This was going to be great!

...Now he thought about it, he was really itchy today. He’d put on a clean set of clothes, and had a constant need to scratch along the seams. He should talk to the guys on clothes duty about the detergent they used. 

In his sleep, Marco uttered a phrase that sounded like, ‘that idiot, my itching powder worked. Hahaha -yoi...’ before falling back into his fruit-induced deep slumber.  
—x—

Ace nearly jumped in joy when the familiar whale figurehead appeared in front of the Card Deck. The rest of his crew... well, they stared. Ace didn’t much blame them, he’d done the same when he first saw the gargantuan ship that was the Moby Dick. (Just wait till they saw the captain!)

“HEY! GUYS! LET US UP!” He yelled up to the side. 

Vista’s face peered over the edge, then he yelled back, “BE QUIET! MARCO’S ASLEEP! WE DON’T WANT TO WAKE HIM!” Ace and the rest of his crew sweatdropped. ‘You’re louder than we were...’

Either way, they were pulled up to the Moby by standing on a ladder and being pulled as the crew reeled it in. One of the shipwrights moved the Card Deck somewhere safe and went over any repairs necessary. One thing Ace noticed was the pigeons sitting around the deck. He decided not to question it, for his own sanity. Not even when Marco walked back on deck and one exploded, covering many with a showering of pink glitter glue. Especially then. It did have all the markings of Thatch’s pranks though. Perhaps Marco was too tired to notice? 

“Thatch, I know this was you -yoi. You should be grateful I am too tired to bother payback right now. Today I’m taking a page out of Aokiji’s book -yoi. Lazy pirating.” And Marco did look tired. More tired than he did last night. He should check with someone on that. It was probably normal though, seeing as no-one else commented on it except his crew. 

Thatch was now laughing on the floor- as were many others-, though for a completely different reason to the one given (that being, ‘Lazy pirating! Classic!’). Jozu had been hit in the face whilst looking over the railing, and now looked like he was in his diamond form... except for the fact he was pink. Jozu knew he was being laughed at; Marco’s jokes weren’t that funny, plus he hadn’t been joking. That truly was what Marco would be doing today, with the exception of breakfast, lunch, dinner and any battles they happened to come across.

Ace couldn’t help it. He started sniggering. Deuce simply looked at the chaos in front of him and exclaimed, “THIS is the fucking Strongest Man in the World’s crew?! What the fuck did we just sign up to?”

“Technically you can leave whenever you want, your ship is still docked here, after all -yoi,” Marco remarked, then yawned widely. “Well I’ll be off. Someone wake me up for breakfast -yoi!” And he walked off in the direction of his room. The rest of the crew waved him off. This was definitely a normal thing then. So he decided to break the incoming silence:

“Thatch, how long till breakfast?”  
—x—

After breakfast was over, Ace popped round to Thatch’s secret lair (or whatever it was that he called it) to discuss things. Namely pranks, joining, and what was going on with Marco (who had fallen asleep on his toast). It looked like the guy had narcolepsy when that happened. He himself didn’t know what that was like, but it sure seemed like a pain!

“Hey, Thatch,” he said and opened the door to see Thatch experimenting on a mind-meltingly pink paint, while simultaneously itching the seams of his shirt. Somehow he had managed to keep the revolting colour off his shirt, which was an impressive feat.

“Ace! Just the guy I wanted to see! How disgusting is this pink to you?” Thatch asked as Ace stepped in.

“Uh, very? I would prefer it if you put a lid on it, I’ve got a few questions and I don’t want to be distracted by that.”

“Questions? About what, my dear brother?” Thatch tried so hard, so very hard, to play it off like it was nothing, but Ace could see how pleased he was that someone actually came to him for advice on something.

“First: what the hell are you planning with that... monstrosity?” 

“Well, I’m planning on rearranging Marco’s bedroom and colouring the walls in pink! Birdy’ll hate it! You wanna join?” Thatch said, then dissolved into evil chuckling. Ace backed away slightly at that.

“I think I’ll pass, I don’t wanna be killed!” He said, “Okay, next question. What’s up with Marco? Is that normal or what?”

“What, the falling asleep thing? It happens when he forgets to sleep. He can go on for a month, but as soon as he lies down, his body forces him to catch up on the missing sleep. It’s alright, he’ll be fully back to the land of the living sometime today or tomorrow. Anything else?”

“Uh... did you know anyone called Portgas D. Rouge?”

“Oh! Rouge! Real spitfire, with a sharp wit and... freckles... You’re her kid, aren’t you? That explains why your surname looks familiar.”

“Yeah. I was wondering if you knew... who my dad is?” Ace shuffled from side to side. Hopefully he could gain some info here.

“Ah, you’re talking about Roger, aren’t you? I guess you never knew then. Your dad was the most famous pirate ever to roam the seas!”

“WHAT?” Ace’s jaw dropped.

“”Yup. Gol D. Roger, the Pirate King himself. You’ve got one hell of a father there. If you wanna know more, go ask Pops. He can tell you more than I ever could.”

“Thanks Thatch!”

Thatch replied, with an easy grin (which still failed to hide his inner glee), “Any time, kiddo.”  
—x—

When Marco finally opened his eyes, he instantly regretted it. His entire room had been coloured in an eye-burning shade of pink. When he reached over to where his bedside table should’ve been, he was met with nothing. So his room had been rearranged as well as redecorated? Ohohoho, Thatch was going to pay... 

As soon as he got out of his room. Then, Thatch was going to pay...  
—x—

When both lunch and dinner passed without anyone seeing Marco outside, Thatch began to get worried that he’d gone too far. He told this to Ace, who wasn’t very supportive.

“Sucks to be you, man,” Gee, thanks, Ace! So he went back to his room to find a way to apologise. Before he got there, though, he was knocked unconscious. His final thought:

“Oh shit.”  
—x—

Marco dragged the unconscious Thatch into his bed, then set about preparing. Thatch would be out for about half an hour, so he had to work fast.

“Jozu -yoi!”

“Yeah?” Jozu never really saw Marco this sadistic about anything really, so whatever he was being asked to help with would be fun.

“Want to stick Thatch to the ceiling -yoi?”

“Sure.” And so, Marco and Jozu teamed up to stick Thatch to the ceiling.  
—x—

Thatch drifted back into consciousness slowly. His entire body was stuck in place, it was rather annoying. He struggled a bit, but gave up. He wouldn’t be going anywhere for a while. He opened his eyes slowly, the first thing he saw being... his floor? Eh? He looked to either side. Either someone had painted his ceiling to look like the floor, or he and the rest of his stuff was on the ceiling. Which one was it?

That question was sorted quickly enough by the appearance of Marco, who was leaning against the doorframe. 

“Clean the deck by seven -yoi,” and walked out again. What a load of help that was.

“Uh, Marco? How do I get down? Marco? MARCOOO! ANYONE?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That scene has been in my head since the start of the unintended prank war! Thanks to POE-LITE for the help they gave me!
> 
> There should (should) only be one chapter left, and I’ll try to get it out this month. As I said, I will be trying to do NaNoWriMo in April, so wish me luck!
> 
> Reviews, favourites and follows always appreciated!
> 
> (27/8/20: there is not in fact one chapter left, and it is not april 2019... _sigh_


	9. The end.. for now..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of this particular tale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! Plus an omake, coming next chapter (with art cause i can do that on ao3)
> 
> Edit: I don’t know where the fight scene came from. It was unintentional and probably very bad. Enjoy!
> 
> Previously...  
> That question was sorted quickly enough by the appearance of Marco, who was leaning against the doorframe. 
> 
> “Clean the deck by seven -yoi,” and walked out again. What a load of help that was.
> 
> “Uh, Marco? How do I get down? Marco? MARCOOO! ANYONE?”

There was a suspicious absence of... well, anyone as Ace jumped onto the Card Deck. Maybe they were all asleep? No, his haki was picking up their signatures more clearly than if they were. Hmm...

As he walked through to the galley, he heard voices coming through the door of the meeting room. Why they had one of those, he didn’t know. Deuce probably wanted it for some reason.

“... I dunno. I like them, but join? Maybe not. We’d have to spend a bit longer in their company first,” came the voice of one of his crewmates, most likely Alice. 

“Well, here’s our problem. Ace is too kind. If he thinks we are unhappy, he’ll sacrifice his own happiness for us! So, if we have one more day of deliberation, see how we like them then. If you still don’t like them, sail off! Leave at the next island! I don’t care! Do what you fucking want, ‘cause the Spades are staying right here!” Deuce finished off his speech, and was met with a resounding yell of ‘AYE!’. 

Ace was torn between gate-crashing or just walking away, satisfied with his first mate’s public speaking skills. He decided on gate-crashing.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Deuce. Except the me being too kind part. That is the correct amount of kindness to have as captain!” Everyone looked shocked at his sudden appearance, and so he laughed at them.

“Hey, I overheard you guys. You were kinda loud, don’t look so surprised! Anyway, Deuce is right. I’m staying here, so if you wanna leave after a day, go for it!” He then sauntered back out the door to go to sleep, leaving his shell-shocked crew behind him.  
—x—

(The next day)

Marco sighed a huge sigh of relief. The truth serum had worn off. Finally! He could go about his day without anyone hearing his thoughts. 

The first thing he did was go and eat breakfast. It wasn’t prepared by Thatch, who had decided that if no-one was going to help him, he should just go to sleep and see if anyone cared. No-one had, so after this Marco was going to get him down. Just him though. The rest of his stuff could suffer, as the pink hadn’t entirely disappeared from Marco’s walls yet.

He was genuinely annoyed that the galley had been transformed into a food fight. He walked in, grabbed some food and piled it on a plate, then flew up to the highest crow’s nest.

After laying there doing nothing for an hour, he decided it was a good idea to get Thatch, just to see how annoyed he got with the state of the galley. He was going for Thatch being either pissed or joining in.

He positioned a mattress and some duvets underneath the unconscious man, and flew up to get rid of the tape. A few quick slices from his talons and Thatch was awake and on the right side of the floor.

“Oww... Marco! How mean!”

“I got you down, didn’t I -yoi? The time is 10:01 am. If you’re lucky there may still be breakfast, though with Ace and his crew around I doubt it -yoi.” He omitted the food fight, as he wanted to see Thatch’s reaction.

Thatch’s eyes widened, and he sprinted for the galley. Marco chuckled, and followed behind at a more relaxed pace. A few seconds later, he heard an aggravated roar. It seemed Thatch was the first option.  
—x—

Ace strolled over to where Whitebeard was seated on his... seat? Throne? Massive chair? Whatever.

“Hello my son, how are you today?” Whitebeard greeted cheerfully.

“I’m good thanks, just got something on my mind. Say, you got any good stories about when the Whitebeard Pirates were newer?”

“I have quite a few, I must say. Do you want an exciting one, a funny one, an embarrassing one, or a mix?”

“Umm… a mix please!”

“Right, well. Back when the crew was a lot smaller, we came across a land filled with volcanoes…”

And so most of the Whitebeards and Spades were dragged into an impromptu storytime, taking up most of the morning.  
—x—

Deuce sighed as he dodged a slash from Vista and another from Alice. Most of both crews had got into a training fight, one team against the other, and somehow it had turned into an every man for themselves situation.

He parried one of Thatch’s blades, and narrowly missed a hit from Tori’s taser. Why did that guy even own one of those?

He could see Marco and Whitebeard off to the side, laughing at everyone else’s misfortune. How fucking dare they? He ducked as one of the Whitebeards was sent over the sides by a powerful uppercut from somewhere and started on the warpath towards the captain and first mate.

At some point, someone managed to get a hit in, but he continued.

“Spades! Arrowhead formation, on the Phoenix!” At once, everyone on the Spades snapped into formation, and charged Marco from either side.

Deuce smirked. Ace may be captain, but he wasn’t as effective at this whole ‘teamwork’ thing as Deuce was, so in battle Deuce was in charge. If Ace called, the Spades wouldn’t act as quickly.

Marco was now battling 9 to one, and was somehow still getting the upper hand. That just went to show how good the first mate of the Whitebeard Pirates was.

“Ace! Get your godforsaken ass over here and help us out! We can’t beat him!” He yelled over to his captain, who was lounging around on the upper deck.

“Fine, fine!” Ace yelled, and vaulted over the railing. “Fore!” And let loose a golf-ball-sized ball of fire towards Marco’s head.

“Hey! Marco! Fight me!” 

“Sure, are we using devil fruits -yoi?” Marco asked, while fastening something to his anklet-thing. It looked like a second band, maybe to keep it in place?

“Yup! You’re going down, old man!” The Spades groaned at how bad their captain’s sense of self-preservation was.

“Good luck with that one -yoi! This ain’t my first rodeo, kid!” Marco smirked as everyone cleared the area to let the two fire-users battle.

Ace threw the first punch, quite literally as he released a hiken towards Marco. Marco seemed to have resolved that his question meant that Ace and Ace only was using his devil fruit, as he jumped over the flames and proceeded to run towards Ace, instead of flying, which really would’ve been more efficient.

Ace sent out a wave of hotarubi to cover the area they were fighting in, and as Marco got close to each one, ignited it. What was strange was that Marco had chosen to forgo healing himself in favour of running up to Ace, jumping, and kicking the fire-man in the face.

Sandal hit nose with a crunch, but Ace didn’t show any signs of stopping the fight, instead giving Marco a fiery uppercut. Marco jumped up again, over the top of Ace, kicking him in the middle of his back.

Ace kicked up with one leg as he fell, but Marco seemed to move away before it had happened. Ace rolled, and shot another hiken, Marco again dodging, but by less this time, as the flames seared off the end of part of his hair. And his healing flames still didn’t appear. What was up with Marco?

The two were facing off against each other again, and Deuce swore he could hear money being passed around behind him. A betting ring? Of course. They were pirates after all.

Ace, realising his fire power wasn’t really helping his cause, switched to coming in close and punching. Marco dodged most easily, but a few found their way through his iron defence, catching him in the gut. Each time he seemed slightly offended by the pain, but kept his guard (mostly) up. 

After about 2 minutes, Ace began to get cocky, and started adding fire to his punches. When that happened, Marco sidestepped Ace, and elbowed him in the side, almost too quick to see, let alone react to.

Ace, who had been in the punching stance taught by the marines (Deuce knew the story behind that one, thank you very much) toppled over. He softened his landing and ended up on his back, where he was pinned by Marco.

“You’ll have to do better than that, brat -yoi! Better luck next time!” Marco smirked. Deuce found that smirk annoying, he could only imagine how Ace felt with it being in his face.

Marco got off Ace, took the band off his band, chucked it on the floor, and erupted in blue flame. Oh, so that’s what the band was: really weak kairoseki. Sort of unfair on Ace, another hard blow on his pride. Ace was still going to stay though, with an added thing on his list: beat Marco.

“Better luck next time captain!” He yelled. Ace groaned at him, and he took that as a good sign.  
—x—

Dinner was served, nothing of note happened (unless you count the 5th and 6th divisions ganging up on their commanders and pouring mash on their heads), and Ace called his crew over to the Card Deck.

“So, you’ve had a day. All those in favour of staying, to your left. All those who want to leave, to your right!” Most of the crew moved to Ace’s right, which was a promising sign. The few on his left were newer to the crew, so he could understand why they wanted to leave.

“Ok, those who voted leave, there is an island about half a day away from here. I’ll tow you there tomorrow morning, okay?” The leavers nodded, content with that. “As for the remainers, I’m gonna go and ask Whitebeard to joing his crew, come with me!”  
—x—

Whitebeard was sitting on his chair, when he felt Ace and a large number of his crewmates coming towards him.

“Hey Whitebeard!” Ace said, seemingly the spokesperson.

He smiled down at his the assembled crowd, “Hello sons, how was your day today?”

“It was pretty good! I’ve got to train much harder to equal Marco even without his devil fruit. But anyway, is the offer to join your crew still open, and can I bring these guys,” he gestured behind him,” along with me?”

“Guarara, of course my sons! Welcome to the Whitebeard Pirates!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is it! Done! Finito! This is actually the first multi-chapter fic I’ve ever finished!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who followed, favourited and/or reviewed!
> 
> I may end up doing a one-shot series for this, we’ll see!
> 
> Bye!
> 
> (27/8/20: the one shots in this series aren’t technically related but you can read them into the story. I think i will do more now im getting my creative mojo back, but we’ll see, shall we?)


	10. Omake: That One Easter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An expansion on that one easter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No-one asked, I answered anyway! Have an extra! (Are they also called omakes? Are the terms interchangeable?)
> 
> The text in italics is from chapter 2.
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> That one Easter—

_At least the stupid thing was only useful in one place, so he didn’t have to use it more than once a year, or less. Aaurgh. Thatch was never going to let him forget this. It could actually be worse than that one Easter..._

_“As much as I’d love to find something, nothing can beat that Easter. Although I do hear Haruta is trying to find something. And yes, your accent is pretty much back to normal. Although, if you think about it, that was probably normal for you! Hahahaha! And no, you will never get away from this!”_

Thatch laughed harder when he heard Marco’s groan of annoyance, and his following cicada speech. He could admit that the life was perfect for someone like Marco. He was brought out of his thoughts by a very confused Ace. Had he been muttering to himself?

“What was so bad about that one Easter? And no, you aren’t speaking out loud, which is solace for me,” He said, the confusion seeping through.

“Eager, are we? Very well, I’ll tell you... if you join our crew!” Thatch said. He knew he was being mean, but it was important to see where this man’s loyalties lay: knowledge, power or crew.

“Hell no! I ain’t joining your crew! I have my own perfectly good one!” Ace all but yelled. Thatch could faintly hear Marco going on about something underneath them.

“Ok then. Story time!” Thatch said with a grin. Ace looked confused... again. He explained, “I wanted to see where your loyalties lied, but I know you’re a good man!”

So... it was about 2 years ago that I pulled my most illustrious prank yet...”  
—x—

2 years ago, Easter.

Ok, so me and Haruta (that’s one of the other commanders, like yours truly and pineapple head) were planning something one Easter Friday. It was going to be the best prank ever! And we would probably die for it, but who cared about that?

The plan? Plant as many Easter eggs in the chicken’s room as possible, then when he wakes up, ask him how his night went (suggestively). Haruta was really only there for the planning; he didn’t want to get caught, so it was up to me! Let me tell you, making all those eggs took the entirety of Saturday!

Well anyway, at the end of Saturday, at around midnight, Marco turned in for the night. Now, it’s a little known fact, but Marco almost always sleeps in his phoenix form. He has essentially a nest that he sleeps in, instead of a bed. So it’s a perfect opportunity to accuse him of ‘getting laid’. Get it? He’s a phoenix. They lay eggs! Hahaa!

Anyway, dead of night, I came in with a basket of eggs (that took ages to make) and placed them around his room. This continued multiple times until there was no space left in the room. I then left and waited until morning...  
—x—

“And? What happened next?” Ace asked, incredibly curious after Thatch’s opening.

Thatch then proceeded to fall into a flashback.  
—x—

At around 8:30, Marco stumbled into the galley, looking much more dishevelled than usual, his usually bored eyes wide and slightly panic-stricken. Thatch wolf-whistled.  
“Hey Marc. How was last night? Must’ve got someone really good to leave you like this when they’re gone!”

The only response he got was an annoyed growl that turned into an outraged squark at the end. Thatch tried so very hard not to snigger, and succeeded... for all of 5 seconds.

“Last night was the same as every other night -yoi. The only difference was the masses of eggs I found in my room this morning. Care to explain -yoi?”

Thatch feigned innocence. “Maybe while you were sleeping, you found a mate?”

“Very funny -yoi. Well done on the decoration, by the way. I know it was you, and I will find proof -yoi!” Thatch shuddered at the implications. Marco would find proof, and when he did, well... let’s just say revenge was a strong point of his. Patience was a virtue, especially when it came to things like this...  
—x—

“So... I’m guessing he did find out eventually? What happened? C’mon Thatch, you can tell me!” Ace wheedled.

“Yeah, he did. After 3 whole days of the most extreme bird puns possible, plus being called a cannibal whenever we had the eggs for dessert by the entire crew, he finally found the moulds I used for the eggs, plus my fingerprint on one where it had melted. I died that week. And Haruta got off scot-free! Not fair, in my opinion.”

“Yeah, but he didn’t actually do anything wrong, did he? Now, I wanna know about the wrath of Marco! You said revenge was a strong point... like how? Embarrassing or what?”

“Embarrassing. Definitely. It takes a lot to get Marco mad, but once he is, he won’t stop with embarrassing pranks until you are down on your knees in front of everyone apologising. He’s silent when doing his pranks, and has literally the best poker face ever! And worst, it is pretty much impossible to trace them back to him, you just wander around in fear of what will happen to you next... sadistic bastard,” Thatch shivered. “There has only been 5 incidents where the full-on force of Marco exploded. Most of the time, it’s small ones which gave him a sense of de-stressing, like making dishwasher fluid explode. That Easter though...”  
—x—

At Wednesday lunch, Marco barged into the kitchens. He now looked much worse than the first time he had barged in, and Thatch couldn’t resist.

“Wow, you must have been at it for ages! Please tell me it was good!”

Marco didn’t respond, just turned into his phoenix form and flew Thatch out of the room. When they arrived at their destination (which Thatch remembered as the room  
with the egg moulds in) Marco opened the door, and shoved Thatch inside. He gulped.

“Remember these -yoi?” Marco growled.

“Oh! I was wondering where the egg moulds went! Good thing I don’t need them this year!” He said, with the most realistic smile he could procure. Marco still didn’t look impressed.

“Then what’s this 2-days-old-at-the-most chocolate I see here-yoi?”

“Ehehe... I can explain! Really!”

“Or how about this fingerprint on this egg here? Hmm -yoi?”

“Someone must have pressed too hard on the egg!”  
“Eggs aren’t like that, Thatch. Now, I suggest that naughty little boys be punished -yoi. What do you think?” Thatch yelled for help as Marco closed the door and locked it, a sadistic grin in place already.

A few hours later, Marco came and unlocked the door. “That’s enough punishment. Come out Thatch, the chefs need you to prepare dinner -yoi.” Thatch came out, looking like a completely different person. His normal pompadour had fallen out, and as such he looked like a drowned cat. His clothes had all been smeared by some sort of chocolate, and his expression was nothing short of ‘if I were to be reborn I would want to be a jellyfish’. He slinked away to the kitchens, but not before making sure Marco wasn’t following him.  
—x—

“I pity you. How could a crewmate be so mean?” Ace exclaimed, with a hint of anger.

“That wasn’t the worst part, trust me. Thankfully Marco forgave me after only two pranks, as it was one single thing that pushed him over. There was this one time where he did this to the entire crew, including Oyaji, because they ganged up on him for day of pranks whilst sailing through one of the most dangerous parts of the New World. He had been one step away for ages, and that finally pushed him over the edge...” Thatch shivered. That had been the worst week of his life!

“Well? What did he do? This time, I mean. You seem traumatised by the other time,” Ace probed.

“Well...”  
—x—

The next day, Thatch woke up at his normal time of stupidly early, only to find no clothes anywhere in the room, save for a pair of really tight (ball-crushing) jeans and his shoes. It was wear them or go naked. So, he wore them, then tried to sit down on his bed to put on his shoes. And there was pain. Much pain.  
—x—

Thatch was seriously annoyed with Marco by the end of the day. But of course he couldn’t retaliate because if he did then Marco would continue. So really, if he wanted to get out of this situation he would have to do it at breakfast. He wasn’t about to go anywhere. He was just too... damn... tired...  
Thatch fell asleep on his bed, thankfully without the ball-crushing jeans. Outside the door, a certain phoenix cackled (quietly, so he he didn’t wake his prey.  
—x—

When Thatch awoke, he found himself tied to the main mast in his boxers. He was not amused. In fact, he was cold, hungry and pissed off. And it didn’t help that Marco was nowhere in sight so he couldn’t writhe in justified ire at his captor. When he was released 15 minutes later by a still chuckling Haruta, he was pleased to know someone had beat him to the mark. Someone being Oyaji.  
—x—

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oyaji? As in Whitebeard? Strongest Man in the World, Whitebeard?” Ace interrupted.

“Yes, that one. Why is that so hard to believe? I mean, it’s not as though Oyaji is the captain of one of the most infamous crews... oh. Right. Well, yes that Whitebeard,” Thatch realised his mistake, “Anyway...”  
—x—

Thatch walked up to Oyaji’s chair to find him sitting there with Marco next to him. Sort of. He was currently trapped in a large birdcage in phoenix form, with a loose kairoseki bangle around one leg. Marco’s current expression was one of annoyed acceptance; he wouldn’t be out of there for a while, and he didn’t have to do anything while he was, but that didn’t mean he had to like the fact. Especially when around the ship were a lot of people who had access to vision dials. Thatch decided to get out of there fast, as he didn’t want to incur the wrath of an angry Marco by laughing in front of him whilst he was caged. All that extra time made Marco more vicious.

After two days, Marco was let out, on the promise he wouldn’t do anything to antagonise those who had laughed at him. Nothing happened, but there were a few... unfortunate accidents, as Marco had labeled them. To this day though, woe betide any who think Marco and bird cages mix- they Don’t.  
—x—

“So... Marco hates that one Easter because of the pranks that got pulled on him?” Ace summarised.

“Yeah. Well, that and he’s never been able to find the original vision dials, or take retribution against Oyaji or anyone else. Sometimes he just remembers someone insulted him during that time and ‘punishes’ them for a day...” Thatch trailed off.

“Riight... okay. Oi! Thatch! No more flashbacks! Tell me later, not now!”

(and now, the image!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE OMAKE IS UP!!!
> 
> This has taken me forever as I kept accidentally writing myself into corners (or boxes, according to my friend Ciara), but it’s done now! Meaning I can post that piece of art that comes with it! 
> 
> Reviews and favourites always appreciated!
> 
> (28/8/20 by a couple minutes: the art is up on my old tumblr blog and my deviantart but i’m not telling people what it is. It’s pretty obvious either way. Once i figure out how to put it in the fic then it’ll be here as well!)
> 
> (28/8/20, once more: it’s up here as well as my current tumblr, @smokedkippy)


End file.
